HISTORY PART ONE

I have tracked the source of self-doubt straight to its origins. Two incidents in Ms. Kruger's Grade2/3 split science class opened cracks in my gleaming wall of elementary school self-assurance that haven't closed since.

Incident One: Determining Whether the Jaw Swings down or the Head Swings Up

Background- when I was in early elementary I was at the peak of my game. I read at higher grade levels, spelled like a fucking spelling monster, and added/subtracted no prisoners taken. I was pretty confident about volunteering information in class. So when Ms Kruger asked us to put our hands under our jaws and on top of our heads while opening and shouting our mouths, I knew I had the answer.
Ms Kruger: "put your hands up for 'jaw swinging down'." Everyone puts their hands up. I peer down from high atop my ivory tower, not a thought for reconsideration in my head, confident in my status amongst all the mouth-breathers. We shared a field during lunch and recess, but in science class we didn't play in the same playground.
Ms Kruger: "put your hands up for head swinging upward". I raise my hand.

Incident Two: Whether a Balloon is Heavier Inflated or Un-inflated

As I said, peak of my game. I had a friend named Jon Zeeb who was pretty smart too. I always paired up with in science projects because otherwise he could possibly get a better mark than me. For whatever teaching strategy Ms Kruger was using, Jon Zeeb and I were standing in front of the class. This didn't make me uncomfortable, or self-conscious. I subscribed to Owl magazine (not Chickadee, which is for kids) and was also a junior zookeeper.
Ms Kruger: "Weigh each of these balloons in your hands and tell me which one is heavier." Both of us adopt pensive expressions- as 8 year olds I assume we just looked like we had to go to the bathroom. I make a show of bouncing the inflated balloon in my hand, and weighing the un-inflated one. And then back. I pronounce- being an initiate in the mysteries of science- that the uninflated balloon is clearly heavier. Jon Zeeb disagrees. Jon Zeeb is vindicated. I am shattered.

Likely I sulk for days. Jon Zeeb wins the science award for grade 3 students at the year end assembly. I turn to a life of fruitless self-doubt and reflection. Jon Zeeb becomes a police officer. With my back to science class, I start reading McGurk mystery books non stop.